I live in the grand state of Texas! I' love Texas!! I've learned it's hotter than the devils tongue...more beautiful than a fresh baked cup cake....and friendlier than the high school counselor that gave you the creeps. Come share my adventures in life. I'm a mother of three beautiful one's & two hairy ones (my doggies). I must also mention that I'm the CEO of the family. I've learned that life is more than 'my fine shirt just got soaked' bath times, 'hey we are so running fashionable late again' swimming lessons, your most recent 'break down' in the laundry room (yes I'm talking to you; now put down the dryer lint slowly), the latest 'does my butt look big' moment, or even that rock awesome meal you cooked last night. Life is random, sexy, unbelievable, predictable and darn cool. Lets get crafty, create, explore Texas, and have some pretty sweet experiences!

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Miscarriage and Grief

Breathe.  Deep breath.  I miscarried.  I’m not sure how it’s possible to miss something so much that you never really had, but it’s possible.  My absence to this blog hasn’t been because of busy baby gatherings and preparations for the expectant bundle.  My absence has been due to cramping, bleeding, and severe sorrow for the loss I feel.  I’m not sure where I should start…so I’ll start with my recent doctor’s visit.  I began spotting and watched in horror as the spotting led to bleeding which led to my slow decent into emotional heartbreak.  As the ultrasound tech checked frantically to try and find a heart beat, my own heart beat began to feel dull.  The tech apologized as if had she been more talented she’d be able to find what we were in search of.  The tech then led me to a room to talk with the nurse.  It’s like a walk of shame…to have an enlarged uterus that’s empty among all these darling pregnant gals with actual babies thriving inside of them.  The tech was reluctant to walk away from a glassed over,  numb looking, mom to be want to be.  The nurse entered and talked over my options as far as making sure that all the stuff that needs to leave my body does so.  As I was waiting to get my blood drawn the nurse came in to check on me and by dang she hugged me…the dam that was holding the flood of tears was partially destroyed and the tears began to puddle on my cheeks.  I was desperate to stop…I still had an hour drive home from my doctors office.  I had my blood drawn and then I walked away.   I thought it would be easy to walk away from all of it…from the idea of having another baby, but it wasn’t.  It’s like you’re empty.  On my drive home I cranked up the tunes.  Normally Missy Elliot can move my body and get my mind to smile on the worst of days, but instead I sat there like a crash test dummy waiting for the next boom.  Then there was a mirage of songs and scenery, none of which I really noticed or cared about.  How to tell my kids?  My two kids that are so hopeful for a new brother or sister.  How will mommy tell them with out completely losing emotional awareness and falling to pieces?  I guess I’ll get through it because there is no other way.  That’s what life is made of…moments that we get through because we have no other option.  This isn’t my first miscarriage.  I swore that the last one would be the last, but over time pain fades away and excitement takes over your better judgement (thank heavens or life would be dull).  Soon this pain will fade away too, but for now I’ll cry for myself, I’ll cry for my lost baby, I’ll dust myself off, hug my two kids super tight with so much thankfulness that I will cry for that too, and I will keep my chin up heading for the future.  I don’t have any bad addictions I can fall back on….I’m not a prank phone caller who can release my feelings on innocent prey, I’m not a runner who can run myself off the road to scrape up my knees, I’m not even as addicted to chocolate as I once was…so I’ll just be me and I’ll do the best I can.  I’m thankful for the opportunity to love someone so much I would want to keep trying, I’m thankful for my body which continues to prove to be amazing and I’m thankful for all the opportunities and trials I face which make me stronger.  I may be M.I.A. for awhile, but I shall return!

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Comments (33)

  1. Rachael 02/16/2011 at 10:57 am

    I’m so so sorry. It’s a loss on so many levels. Thinking of you . . .

  2. Carolyn K 02/16/2011 at 11:04 am

    I’m so sorry.

  3. Krystal Hansen 02/16/2011 at 11:09 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss, and I too had one just 2 weeks ago. As with any loss, I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I can relate with the pain and heartbreak. Praying for you to be comforted at this difficult time. Hug and kiss your other lovelys, it will help immensely-I promise!

  4. Scary Mommy 02/16/2011 at 11:14 am

    I’m so, so sorry that you are going through this. I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. Gena Morris 02/16/2011 at 11:16 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. Tina @MadHatterMom 02/16/2011 at 11:17 am

    My heart is aching for you.. I pray that you receive the strength and comfort you need. I was in your place just 1 year ago and I still get hit in the chest at inopportune times.. God bless!

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  8. Busy Mom 02/16/2011 at 11:22 am

    I’m very sorry for your loss.

  9. Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting 02/16/2011 at 11:25 am

    Oh sweetheart, take your time, envelope yourself in your children and loved ones and take time to mourn.

  10. Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things) 02/16/2011 at 11:25 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I couldn’t relate but I can on so many levels. It is one of the hardest things a woman can go through. My tiny would have been due next month. I don’t always think about it, but it’s there. I am pregnant again and thankful, but knowing that each day is a gift. A blessing. And yes, it makes me love what I have all the more. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  11. Theresa 02/16/2011 at 11:40 am

    I am so sorry! Words can’t express how sorry I truly am!

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  13. Tania Reuben 02/16/2011 at 11:45 am

    I’m fortunate to have never experienced a loss of this nature, I know there are no words that will help, so I will keep you in my prayers, and give you my condolences.
    Thank you for sharing what must be so difficult to even put into words.

  14. Steph 02/16/2011 at 11:48 am

    This post hits so close to home for me because I too had a recent loss. I haven’t spoken about it publicly but your post gave me a little strength to reach out and tell you that you are not alone. Thank you.

    • Jen 02/19/2011 at 5:22 pm

      It’s intense how much comfort comes from sharing your story…thanks for commenting and I’m so sorry for your loss as well!

  15. ~j. 02/16/2011 at 12:10 pm

    My heartfelt condolences to you. Bless you.

  16. Shannon Nelson 02/16/2011 at 12:29 pm

    I’m so sorry that you are going through this. You’re in my prayers!

  17. @coloradomom 02/16/2011 at 1:01 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. 🙁

  18. Erin Oltmanns 02/16/2011 at 1:05 pm

    Jenn, my thoughts are with you. I am so very sorry for your loss. You are brave for sharing and if there is anything you need, let us know.

  19. Amanda {Enchanting Havoc} 02/16/2011 at 1:16 pm

    When I hear about this happening to another mom I cringe inside and hate that they have to know how this pain feels. I will never understand why we have to go through such excruciating pain over the loss of a little baby of ours. Sure, we haven’t seen their precious faces or kissed their toes, or looked in their eyes, but they were our babies. We are their mothers and dangit we have this hurt inside of us that will forever change who we are. I hate that I have to be a part of the “club” of mothers of lost babies. I’ve had 2 miscarriages myself…. one was very far along. So far along I knew she was a girl. The other was at 8 weeks ~ and dangit they both hurt so badly.

    I’m sorry that you are having to go through this. I wish no mother had to feel the pain that you are going through. I’m here if you need to talk…. even though sadly, this is the first time I’ve even been to your blog. {{{HUGS}}}

  20. Jenn B. 02/16/2011 at 1:31 pm

    Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you and praying for a peace for you. Like some of the women here and like you I too have experienced loss. It’s hard having children and knowing how they are growing and wondering what this little one would be, but at the same time you have a wonderful family and hopefully some great support too from them and us! My miscarriage was between my girls and I went on to have a normal, healthy second pregnancy so let your heart heal and go from there momma. Love to your and yours!

  21. michelle 02/16/2011 at 1:58 pm

    I’m so sorry, I cannot imagine that loss you must be feeling. As a mom of two girls who I tried for years to finally get pregnant with, I can only sit here and cry for your loss. We’re trying for our 3rd baby now and I wish you all the best in trying again.

  22. Jen 02/16/2011 at 5:22 pm

    I’m overwhelmed with emotions reading all of you wonderful comments. This for sure is a rough time, but I’m thankful for your concern and understanding. Thank you for sharing your prayers with our family and your experiences with all of us. Writing is a healer for me…I’m honored to have so many of you want to read it.

  23. Kristen 02/16/2011 at 11:47 pm

    I am so sorry. I have experienced several losses and it is a grief that can’t be explained. It’s the loss of a dream. I’m so glad you are letting your children be a comfort. Be easy on yourself, and may God bless your family as you try again.

  24. jennyonthespot 02/16/2011 at 11:52 pm

    I am so, so very sorry…

  25. melissa chapman 02/17/2011 at 6:11 am

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, and if it’s even a tiny bit of comfort know that your post, and your ability to share your experience, is helping so many others who are dealing with this very same thing, but perhaps are not able to articulate it. Sending you love, light and hope.

  26. Erin Collard 02/17/2011 at 8:14 am

    Oh, sweetie…I am so sincerely sorry. I hope you can feel everyone’s love, like arms around you right now. My love and prayers for you tonight.


  27. Suzanne (Crunchy Green Mom 02/17/2011 at 10:21 am

    I am so sorry, I wish I could hug you, take away the pain or even just make you smile for a moment.

    It’s heart-wrenching to hear about this…. I wish I could say more.

    I can share a moment with you that pulled at my heart strings… I’m a Missy Elliot fan, when I have those moments, she’s the one I turn to as well.


  28. hippie4ever 02/17/2011 at 4:46 pm

    I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and your family.

  29. Ashlee 02/17/2011 at 7:40 pm

    oh sweet sweet Jen, I am SOOO sorry. Miscarriages are something no one can understand until they’ve had one. It’s so shocking and so hard to let go of that joy and excitement. I am so sorry you’ve had one again. It’s so unfair, to have something so close and have it taken away. My last one was not as far along as yours (so much harder I’m sure) but still emotionally devastating. If there is ANYTHING I or anyone can do for you please let us know!

  30. Pam B 02/18/2011 at 6:21 pm

    So sorry for your loss. All of us mamas ache for you.

  31. Angel M 02/21/2011 at 1:36 pm

    So Sorry for your loss and your family’s loss. I too was in the same place about six years ago and the best advice I can give is to have a service – Share a private moment with your family and friends to honor the person that could have been. Give it a name and treat the baby with reverance and it wil help you and your family to feel better. It really did help us to heal but i know you must find your own way and I hope this won’t offend you because that is not my intention. My sister-in-law floated flowers on the lake as a way to say good-bye. My prayers are with you.

  32. Karla T 03/02/2011 at 5:05 pm

    I am very sorry. I lost a baby about 13 years ago. One of the things that helped me was all of the woman who had also gone through it reaching out to me. I remember when I went in to the hospital I started to cry and the nurse gave me a hug and let me know that she had experienced it as well.

    I am so so sorry! I wish I could give you a ((hug))