It wasn’t a sudden decision. I could feel piano coming to a close as her many high school activities crowded into her day, clamoring for more attention. The piano was repeatedly set to the side with promises to get right back to it.  But there are only so many hours. And for her to give one of these hours to piano each day has gradually become impossible. So when she told me of her decision, what could I do but agree with her? And just like that, another chapter closes. While I don’t like introducing “quit” into our family vocabulary, there is something right about this decision. It makes me wonder if there comes a time when quitting is okay.

To be clear, this isn’t how I planned. Way back BT (before teens), I decided each of my children would  stick with their music lessons until high school graduation. In fact, I repeatedly made this plan clear to my children. But like the GPS map in my car that re-routes after an unexpected turn, life with teenagers is full of such unexpected turns. And though I may not do it as smoothly as the GPS, I find myself needing to re-route my plans in favor new plans authored by my children. They all can’t be piano virtuosos. Isn’t it fair to consider that their plans now might be better than any plan I might have created when they were very young?

What I’m discovering is that there is more than one way to get there. Where is “there” you say? It’s a good question–perhaps one of the most important questions a mom should ask before writing out the checks and driving to and from recitals, performances and competitions. Where are the lessons, the practices, these extra curriculars taking us anyway?

I suppose the “there” I hope for is a place where my children become kind, hard working human beings who have confidence to reach out and contribute to the world. That’s it. Piano lessons might contribute to this path. So might soccer or art lessons or the school play. But, come to think of it, so might math homework or setting the table. When I cling to any one path because of pride (I want girls who are really good at piano!) or a family rule, (This is just how everyone does it in our family!) I am losing sight of the true destination and ignoring the child unfolding before me.

With or without piano lessons, my teen is still on the pathway to becoming the woman I hope she’ll be–just in her own way. She may not be the one who accompanies the choirs in church, but she can sit and edit a film she made for hours. She can hold many monologues in her head at once and deliver them in school plays. She also reads picture books to her six year old sister. Did years of piano lessons play a part in developing any of those admirable skills and qualities? Maybe they did. Maybe summer book club and hours playing under the tree in the backyard helped too. Maybe it was her weekly job helping her great-grandma to clean her house. Who’s to say that taking away any of her growing up experiences wouldn’t unravel much of who she is becoming?

From my life with teenagers I’m learning that sometimes I worry so much about what my children are not, that I forget to rejoice in what they are. They are not mini-versions of me or cut-outs of some children I imagine. They are individuals with strong wills and their own plans. My firm ideas of how they should spend their time need to give way to their interests and open up chances for them to explore. Whether I like it or not, my voice has faded to one in a chorus of many. Instead of the driver I used to be, I am have been moved to the sidelines. But I cheer very loudly from where I am–encouraging them to stay true to becoming the good, confident human beings we hope for.

It might not be going according to the first route I mapped out on my parenting GPS, but there are lots of good routes–and even back roads I didn’t know about.

Questions you might consider:

• What is the “there” you are trying to get to?
• Are the “extras” in your children’s lives moving towards this destination?
• Are your children involved in what is natural and exciting to them or in what is natural and exciting to you?
• When is it okay to quit? Have your children learned enough from this to move on? Is there something else more important that needs to take its place?

More on Today’s Mama

Don’t Judge a Mother By Her Gear: I’m Still in the Game

Trying to do less in 2013

Advice for Working Moms from a 93 Year Old

Have you ever looked around your neighborhood or school and wondered how you could make a change for the better? Going for the Girl Scout Silver Award—the highest award a Girl Scout Cadette can earn—gives you the chance to show that you are a leader who is organized, determined, and dedicated to improving your community. Earning the award puts you among an exceptional group of girls who have used their knowledge and leadership skills to make a difference in the world.

Here are the steps you’ll take to earn your Girl Scout Silver Award:

1. Go on a Cadette journey.
2. Identify issues you care about.
3. Build your Girl Scout Silver Award team or decide to go solo.
4. Explore your community.
5. Pick your Take Action project.
6. Develop your project.
7. Make a plan and put it into motion.
8. Reflect, share your story, and celebrate.

Once you complete your journey, the suggested minimum time for earning your Girl Scout Silver Award is 50 hours. These suggested hours are a guide. You can start by planning the time in chunks, dividing it up by the steps. Check out the silver project that my troop came up with in the following blogs!!!

The Bully

Silver and Gold

Why Can’t We Be Friends

Grecilda Lumbay grew up with two sisters and five brothers in the Visayan Islands.  She wondered why they did not have meals on time, and it broke her heart when she was sent to temporarily live with an aunt because her parents could not afford food.  At 18, Grecilda traveled to Manila to find employment.  She was hired as house help and met her future husband, Gerardo Lumbay, a worker in the area.  They were later married and blessed with seven children.

Grecilda bought rice cakes and sold them to add to the family income.  She learned to make and market fried cheese sticks.  Her average income grew to $14 per day.  This was a good income, but still not enough to provide for and educate her large family.  She sought more capital for her business, but high interest rates overburdened her and barely added to the income.  In 2009, she learned about Mentors Philippines. Her first loan of $65 helped purchase raw materials; the business grew again.  Grecilda now employs 50 additional people and nets about $65 per day.  She has an annual business loan of $2,500.  Her oldest child is in college and two others are in high school.  Grecilda has not only learned how to ‘fish’, but has also taught others how to ‘fish’.

Interested in helping – Click here to Pay It Forward!!!

Read about another Spotlight Mom – Nenita  from the Phillipines. Another woman who has made a difference in the life of her family and community with the help of Mentors International.

For more details about this organization check out my blog - Mentors International

As we approach Mother’s Day this year, I would like to share with you a story of a remarkable woman named Nenita Asilom. Through her love as a mother, and with the help of Mentors International, Nenita triumphed. Nenita she knew she wanted more for her children. She was eight years old when her mother died unexpectedly. She became a surrogate mother since she was the second to the oldest with five other siblings, the youngest being only three months old. Life was hard for their father who was a farmer, so Nenita gained employment as a housekeeper to add to the family’s income. Eventually Nenita moved in with her grandmother so she could learn dress-making skills. She became a seamstress and not long after married her husband, Ismael Asilom.

Ismael and Nenita moved to Caloocan City, Manila, where Ismael worked as a carpenter. Nenita stayed at home with the children, but when they started going to school she opened a small convenience store and started sewing potholders made from fabric scraps. She learned about Mentors International in late 2010 and received her first loan of $75 to purchase fabric scraps. Two years later Nenita’s business has seen considerable improvements. More importantly she has been able to send her children to high school, make improvements in their home, and provide employment opportunities to others in her community.

Nenita’s struggle for success did not come easy. But as a young girl who grew up with many hardships, she knew she didn’t want her children to suffer as she had. The  opportunity that Mentors Philippines has provided her has changed the cycle of poverty in her family as her children look forward to receiving a college education.

Interested in helping. Click here to Pay It Forward ~

Read about another Spotlight Mom - Gricelda from the Phillipines. Another woman who has made a difference in the life of her family and community with the help of Mentors International.

For more details about this organization check out my blog - Mentors International

Mother’s Day is just around the corner. All of us are usually on the giving and receiving end of flowers, candy, knick-knacks and the like. We get taken out to dinner so we don’t have to cook. I don’t know about you, but our national holidays can leave me feeling exhausted. What if there were a way to make a real difference in someone’s life this mother’s day?

Mentors International is a non profit organization that gives microcredit (a loan usually in the amount of $100 – $150) to a qualifying individual with a business. One of Mentors International’s slogans is A Hand Up – Not A Hand Out. They support self reliance through microcredit and education. The microcredit loans go into their business and then  Mentors International helps their clients with a simple business plan and teach them bookkeeping, marketing, pricing and purchasing principles.

We live in a privileged country. There is a saying that when you educate a man, you teach an individual. When you educate a woman you change the world. Women tend to pay it forward to their families and communities. What if this Mother’s Day you take a portion of what you would spend on presents and subsidize a microloan to a mother without the advantages and privilege that come from being within our borders. If 20 of us put in $5 then there is one microloan. I plan on doing a series of blog posts following one microloan. Just wait until you see the difference $100 can make.

Click here to Pay It Forward this Mother’s Day!!!

Read about thse Spotlight Moms – Nenita and Gricelda, both from the Phillipines. Women who have made a difference in the lives of their families and communities with the help of Mentors International.

For more details about this organization check out my blog - Mentors International

The girls of Troop 2149 got together and looked at some of the issues facing girls today. After some brainstorming, they came up with the idea to create a series of puppet shows based on these issues and perform them for our Service Unit Daycamp. They had over 60 girls in attendance. Get some popcorn and pull up your tweens and enjoy our production of “Silver and Gold” ~

The girls of Troop 2149 got together and looked at some of the issues facing girls today. After some brainstorming, they came up with the idea to create a series of puppet shows based on these issues and perform them for our Service Unit Daycamp. They had over 60 girls in attendance. Get some popcorn and pull up your tweens and enjoy our production of “Why Can’t We Be Friends” ~

The girls of Troop 2149 got together and looked at some of the issues facing girls today. After some brainstorming, they came up with the idea to create a series of puppet shows based on these issues and perform them for our Service Unit Daycamp. They had over 60 girls in attendance. Get some popcorn and pull up your tweens and enjoy our production of “The Bully” ~

When my children were very young, the only technology parent rule I knew was: “Don’t put a computer in your children’s bedrooms.”

These children are teenagers now and still don’t have computers in their bedrooms. Good technology parenting?  Not really. Why should they even want a computer in their bedroom when it is so easy to carry one around with them in their pockets?

The rules change so fast I can’t keep up. But I need to try–because my girls can keep up, navigating the social media world like little professionals. They so so wanted iTouches for Christmas. Without even blinking, my husband and I scouted out good deals and made our girls very happy on Christmas morning. But since then, I’ve wondered–what did we do here?  My ten year old has become this Instagram wizard. She and her cousin Snapchat each other twenty times a day. When I listen to her talk about it, it is like I am visiting another country. Snap what? How does Instagram work again? She learns a lot about this from her thirteen year old sister who texts far more than she ever actually talks to someone on the telephone. Holy crow. This makes me sound like a horrible mother.

Or does it? What mother of teens and tweens isn’t dealing with this? This is bold to say–but I if you have teenagers and don’t think you need to deal with social media issues it is probably because you don’t know enough about what your teen is up to.  A friend of my daughter’s, for example, is completely banned from Facebook, internet, chatting–you name it–and yet this girl has something upwards of 500 Facebook followers and is one of the most adept social media users I know.  You can open an Instagram account in seconds. There are such things as “secret” Pinterest boards. You don’t need your own computer to update your Facebook status. Just go to the library. Or borrow your buddy’s iPhone for a sec. Social media is literally within arm’s reach all the time. And it isn’t going anywhere.

So, what does good parenting look like in a world drenched in social media? Instead of trying to control it, I think we are better to embrace it as a part of our lives and teach our children to use it responsibly. It might help to consider what responsible social media use means to you.  Here are three guidelines I like:

• First, I want them to be safe.
• Second, if they are going to use it (and yes they are) I want them to use it as a force for good.
• Third, I want to make sure that social media doesn’t impede their development in confident face to face communication.

Here are some ideas to put these objectives into action:

MONITOR OUR OWN USE OF SOCIAL MEDIA.  This is still relatively uncharted territory for most of us. I am still coming to terms with the role social media should play in my life. Social media (i.e. this blog) pays for dance lessons. I manage a website for my writing camp. When a friend recently told me that she didn’t do Facebook, I honestly looked at her in confusion. Why not? For me, social media adds a welcome dimension to my life allowing me to connect with many people I care about. But it can also be addicting. I can go to Facebook out of boredom or be half listening to my child while reading about someone else’s children in a mommy-blog. This is not acceptable. One of the best ways to teach my children to use social media responsibly is to do so myself. This requires constant personal checking and regulating.

WORK IT OUT TOGETHER. Instead of imposing rules and trying to control my children’s use of social media, I think we’ll get farther by working it out together. We need to talk about it, really talk about it. We have started a conversation about our family’s own “social media guide.”  I have suggested we have daily “no screen” time and a “screen free” day on Sundays. My ten year old suggested that whenever they have friends over, it should be a rule that they have to find other things to do besides look at a screen. Good one. So far, other parts of our family social media guide include:

• No “crucial conversations” via messaging. You can compliment or arrange a play date but any important conversations need to be face to face.
• Use social media to encourage others and contribute goodness to the world. (Mom, you are kind of a nerd. I know, but do it anyway.)
• No using social media to exclude others. Making a list of “bff’s” or “most beautiful girls” or “hottest guys” in school is not allowed.
• Be very very careful about pictures and words. Once they are there, they are there for the world to see and use forever. Even if you push “delete.”  Even the “self-destruct” on Snapchat. Everything is forever. They need to know this. 
• Mom and Dad get to join you. The best way for us to learn about Instagram, is to follow our girls on it ourselves. The best way to learn about Kik is to get the password and read what is going on. I’m not that adept at it, but lucky for me, the best teachers in the world are sitting next to me at dinner.  

GET SMART. There is a wide chasm between what I know about social media and what my daughters know. If I am going to participate, let alone be a guide in these conversations, I need to get smart about social media and know what I am talking about.  One incredibly helpful resource is Quib.ly a parenting technology site designed to support and educate parents.  The site allows you to follow questions answered by parents and experts on topics such as Snapchat, cell phones, and safety and privacy on the web. I am a new (and loyal) member.

Finally, DON’T FREAK OUT.  My teen just gave me some advice on ending this post.  In her words, when parents read things like this, they tend to freak out and go straight to “you’re not allowed to go on _______ anymore” or “give me your phone.”  We need to remember that banning teens from social media is one of the surest way to keep them active on social media. Only, many times they’ll do it behind your back. Instead of logging on in plain sight with you there to say, ”Hey! What are you posting?” they’ll do it secretly and work to navigate the online world without you.  She is 13 and she knows.

And because of what I know, there is no way I’m letting her do this alone. It’s much too big of a world. Though it is at times quite complicated, this is a part of my parenting I can’t ever neglect.

MORE ON TODAY’S MAMA:

Connecting with your Teen

Wanted: Confident Communicators

Poetry Grafetti Family Style

I was browsing FB yesterday and came across this video posted by Girl Scouts and created by Disney. It made me want to head to the store for a crown and some glitter…Anyone want to join me?